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A letter to … the HIV that is in my bloodstream | HIV/AIDS


Dear HIV,

I have lived with you since 1998 – 24 years now. In many ways, you have changed me completely. But interestingly, in many other ways, you didn’t.

Today, you are just one aspect of my identity, which has many parts:

I am a white Aboriginal gay man from Nganarunga and the country of Kaurna in southern Australia with Scottish and Finnish heritage.

I’m a ‘westie’ – I grew up in Melbourne’s western suburbs.

I am a dancer, a stage producer, a husband, a festival director, an uncle.

A good part of me is also very weird.

I remember the day I knew about you. It’s October 28.

Most of us have had the date of our diagnosis imprinted on our minds.

It’s like having life before you and then life living with you.

I remember walking to the doctor, and when I walked, with every step there was a “no”. It was just “No, no, no. No.”

But I knew the answer even before I heard the doctor’s results.

I had a cold for several weeks that didn’t go away. One of my dance teachers told me I should check it out. But two of the traditional Aboriginal teachers sat me down and started singing to me, like traditional healing.

They sang through me, and when they were finished, one of them, Aunt Peggy, turned around and said, “We can’t help you, you need Western medicine, everything is red.” That’s when I went to the doctor.

When I went to the doctor, it was really strange. He was going through a list of other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), saying I didn’t have them. Finally I said, “Just tell me.”

That’s when he broke down, and broke down in tears. “I’ve never had to do this before,” he said. I had to get him out of his misery, so I said, “It’s back to being positive, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” he said.

I started laughing. That was my first reaction. All I can think is: “Really? Really? Now this? Are you kidding me? “

After leaving the doctor, I went straight to the pub. I drank vodka with a beer chaser.

‘I will die’

At first, being diagnosed with you is all consuming. At first, all I thought was, “Oh my God, I’m dying.”

As a teenager, I associated being gay with having AIDS. That was the conversation of the media at the time – gays and AIDS. So I just equated my youth and gay awakening with “someday I’m going to have AIDS and die.”

I grew up with that in mind. So when I was diagnosed in my 20s, it was almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Another thought that haunts me is: “No one will love me anymore, I will never find love, I am no longer lovable, I am dirty, I will die alone.”

When I was first diagnosed, I would muster up the courage to tell someone I was starting a relationship with, that I was living with you.

It really didn’t happen.

Rejections will come. Some are quite quick, easier to handle than a slow and painful retreat, where the sex will begin to wane over time, until it’s off the table, and all they want to do is hold onto it. each other’s hands.

It was painful to go through.

As I got older and learned to live with you inside my body, I became more outspoken with the people I was dating. I also like dating other men who are living with you, because it’s less dramatic.

I want you to know that – despite your stigma in my system – I managed to find love.

My husband also lives with you.

I didn’t know this in the first place. We really like each other. But when we had the truth about you, we had a common experience that we could connect with.

But our entire relationship isn’t just about you – that would be boring and toxic.

A daily reminder of you

Along with the difficulties of finding a relationship and living with your stigma, the biggest challenge of having you in my body has been taking the pill every day.

When I was first diagnosed, I was given quite strong pills.

When I took those pills, I went back to dance class. Usually – before you – I will be the last one standing. However, with those pills, I would be hot for 10 minutes and have to run to the toilet to vomit.

So we set out to find a drug regimen that I could use without disrupting my day.

I know other people have to take medication at specific times of the day, but I don’t want a medication regimen to rule my life.

I just want the doctor to find a medicine that I can take in the morning or evening and get on with my day.

And that’s what I’ve been doing since then. I take a bunch of pills in the morning and I go.

The biggest thing is its mentality.

Every morning I take those pills that are a daily reminder of living with you.

That really messed me up at first. Every morning, I think “I’m dirty, sick.”

Until there was a disturbance in my psyche where I thought, “really, without these things, I’d be dead.”

However, as I get older, I worry about the long-term effects of the drug on my body and also the risks associated with living with you as an older man.

I am 48 years old now. And I have been taking the drug since 2006.

‘I’ve lived with you longer than I haven’t’

My concern is about the long-term effects of taking the drug and other comorbidities that may occur in my body from taking the drug for such a long time.

Please be gentle with me – don’t blind me and don’t let me lose my memory. Just go about your business but please don’t touch my brain or eyes.

Those are my thoughts and questions right now. What should I watch out for after being exposed to this powerful cocktail for a long time?

Sometimes, I wish I could wake up in the morning and not have to worry about you.

The great thing is that you don’t have to take these pills every morning.

I was thinking this only recently. I took the pills one Saturday morning and I thought, “I wonder if I’ll be alive when they finally find a cure? And can you take the pill that cures it from your system? ‘ But the funniest thought was, ‘And then what; what am I going to do?

It’s funny because if I ever had to live without you, I would have to grieve over it. Because you have been such an important part of my life; I have lived with you longer than I have not.

It will take away a part of me. Because it was already a part of me. So it will have to say goodbye to something.

Despite all this, I’ve learned to live with you to the point where it’s hardly considered part of my identity.

Every now and then, I’ll get those little wake-ups, those little moments of insight and reflection, where I think about how I’m still here and remind myself to be grateful for all I’ve got. – and always be grateful for the day.

And it’s up to you.

Because one thing you start to face your own death, when taking these pills every morning, is the fact that you don’t have much time.

So where will the next bit of fun come from? Where does the next challenge come from? What is the next mountain I want to climb?

As told Ali MC.

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