COVID-19 Killed My Grandfather. But my dad was too busy treating COVID-19 patients to upset him
In early February, I received the call that I had dreaded for months: my 82-year-old grandfather, Charlie Law, had passed away. I tried to prepare as best I could; Grandpa suffers from Parkinson’s disease and dementia, he has been physically and mentally broken for about 4 years. However, I did not see my grandparents in those two years because of the pandemic.
When the initial shock and sadness hit, I was surprised to find myself angry. Losing his grandfather was inevitable, but it seems that the illness that ultimately took his life — COVID-19 — was not. Although my grandfather was vaccinated and strengthened, his dementia sent him into a nursing home, which meant he had to rely on the support of his living facility and surrounding community to protect you from the virus. While I accepted that my grandfather didn’t have long to live, and that I knew he was suffering, I had hoped (innocently, maybe) that he would die in his sleep. COVID-19 has robbed him of all that.
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Immediately after my grandfather passed away, I asked my dad, Dr Kevin Law – a cardiologist and critical care physician at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, Hamilton in New Jersey – about how he was coping. with the loss of her father to COVID-19. He has helped lead his hospital’s pandemic response through wave after wave over the past two years and has treated approximately 1,200 patients with COVID-19 in the hospital.
Grandpa with COVID and suffering is something I hope won’t happen.
KEVIN’S LAW: I figured he’d have a life-threatening infection this winter: a urinary tract infection, pneumonia, or COVID. I wasn’t there, but I really don’t think he suffered. Maybe it’s my mind playing tricks on me, but I’ve seen patients like this. When they are very weak, they become unconscious and walk quickly.
I know my mom was angry about it and felt like he was unprotected in the nursing home. But I would like to think that the organization has taken great care to protect patients. Unfortunately, this latest COVID repeat is highly contagious. If you’re sensitive, I don’t think there’s any way out of it, whether you’re in public or in an educational institution.
Does being on the front lines of the pandemic make it harder for you to deal with Grandpa’s downfall?
KL: I don’t think I’m present with my parents as usual, and that’s annoying. I am very busy, they are in another part of the country, and sometimes traveling is very risky.
I’m surprised you worked on the day that grandpa passed. It must be difficult for you.
KL: For your own mental health, you must learn to separate work, play and personal life. I split. You must be able to do your job. You learn over time — sometimes with difficulty — so as not to let it affect your professional performance. If I do, it will be very difficult to work.
A lot of people say I should have taken a day off, I should have taken a week off. I’ve certainly thought about that, but it would be too much for the people I work with. They will be overwhelmed.
I have a rather complicated feeling about the circumstances of Grandpa’s death, because like you, I expected him to pass away. But it’s too bad people haven’t done more to stop the virus from spreading.
KL: Over time, I’ve learned not to waste a lot of energy on people’s behaviors that I can’t change. I try to deal with this with individuals, and sometimes I get frustrated, faced with individuals who don’t have a good explanation for why they don’t get vaccinated. The fact that some people will resist it is just human nature, and there’s nothing I can do to change that.
I see people who, even though they are not well, are satisfied with their decision that they are not vaccinated, which is remarkable for me. Or they are willing to accept their fate, such as it is.
How have patients treated you recently during this pandemic?
KL: I see many impatient people. I see a general lack of understanding. I don’t think they have much sympathy for us when we are tired or working hard or late or running behind. I thought people were very sympathetic at first, and I don’t think so anymore.
They must understand that a lot of us are still in the same position. We are still working much harder than usual. Even though most of us are vaccinated, we are still putting our livelihoods and health in jeopardy. We are actually still working for the public and individuals. If they’re angry or frustrated about the whole thing, it shouldn’t be aimed at the medical staff.
How do you deal with your own anger at people for not getting vaccinated? How do you take care of yourself?
KL: There are times when I feel empathy fatigue: when I don’t feel the usual empathy for a sick, infectious patient if they are not vaccinated. I have a lot of sympathy for people who are vaccinated but still get the disease despite it.
Anger is a powerful word. Sometimes it makes you even more frustrated and feel more helpless. The time when I feel the most is when we are very busy in the hospital. I’ve seen 30 COVID patients hospitalized in just one day, sometimes 35. It breaks you down. Maybe my experience will help me deal with the pain of my father’s death a little better. And it helps reduce my anger and frustration.
I think some of the anger that people have about the virus, and the restrictions that have been placed on them, is somehow transferred to the doctors, the nursing staff and the hospital staff. When I feel like someone is targeting me or taking their anger out, this is what I can call on to defuse the situation. I said, “Listen, I lost my dad to this too. So, to some extent, I understand what you’re feeling.”
