Ex-NFLer Derek Wolfe says he uses micro mushrooms before matches
Clean the room, Lawrence Taylor, there’s a new contender for the most confusing in-game experience. While Derek Wolfe wasn’t near the human-destroying ball that LT was on, he pre-game cocktail of mushrooms and Adderall is a modernized and tempered version of the cocaine use stories that emerged from the Giants’ dressing room in the ’80s.
“Before games, I drank microdoses. . . . I am eating mushrooms and Adderall before playing,” said Wolfe above Joe Rogan’s podcast.
“Dude, concentration is out of control. I would be, like, before the games, I would get annoyed – so I started thinking about my childhood, all the bad things I went through as a kid. And it will put me in this anger mode. It’s like this crazy controlled rage.
I shared that tweet for two reasons, and neither of them are superfluous. I’ll cover the paralysis issue later, but I want you to take a closer look at the Von Miller in that photo.
That’s the face you show right after your teammate tells you he’s blowing himself up about childhood memories, mushrooms, and Adderall.
“What is it, Derek? You good?”
“Yeah, just trying to figure out why my dad never loved me, if these illusions are real, and what I need to do when the guardian starts that play.”
To be fair, I don’t think Wolfe is chewing on much, but I don’t know anything about the effects of microdosing. All I had to do was an old roommate* who had been drinking boomer tea for about a month. He also faints every night, and I had to wake him up one night when he was midstream, drowsy on the couch, so I don’t think it’s like that.
(*It’s okay, I’ve had almost 25 roommates in my entire life and he’s not the only one peeing on the sofa, so I won’t rule anyone out. But you know you. who.)
Wolfe went on to say that his magic elixir took his, umm, smack talk to the next level.
“Just, dammit, what an asshole. Say crazy, crazy things to midfielders. I told a guy I would eat his kids. It was crazy. . . .
“That’s what you do, man. It was an early game. I’m trying to understand his thinking.”
At this point in the interview, Rogan tore off his shirt, informed Wolfe that he made important bumps to get through the marathon podcasts, and challenged Wolfe to a ladder match. . Okay, I made that last part. Different things. That happened, including this.
Yeah, about that numbing story… what the hell, man?
I apologize if I’m late to this story. The aggregators I follow don’t seem to listen to Rogan’s podcast (and who can blame them).
This is the story.
“I was paralyzed for three hours and competed two weeks later.
“I can not move. I’m just stuck in the ground. It’s like I’m melting, it’s the weirdest feeling, man.
“The doctors wanted me to stay in the hospital, but the team doctors said ‘you’re fine, we can go’ on the team plane back to Denver.
“‘It’s miserable, every time I get touched my arm goes numb… and I’m a defensive midfielder so my head gets hit every time I play.”
The eight-year pro says that’s when he realized “they don’t care about us.”
He’s not wrong; I just think it’s a given. I mean, Damar Hamlin almost died on the fieldand the NFL will allow him to play again if he is passed.