In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’ll find all the weird silly stuff we can’t include anywhere else. Some may call it “sub”; we like “an entire page for making terrible jokes that are directly related to the content of the magazine”.
We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Next page. Today, with the movie Super Mario Bros. coming out in the not-too-distant future, we’ve been pondering what it would be like if Mario had his own sitcom…
“Coming soon on a streaming platform near you, ‘Mario’ is a show about Nothing.”
Well… We to wish it came early. Just recently, we stumbled across an important set of pre-production material related to the seemingly unsuccessful sitcom ‘Mario’. The documents include a casting call for the main characters, along with four scripted scenes featuring Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad, and Bowser himself.
The sitcom itself is billed as a “show for nothing”, depicting Mario’s day-to-day life with his friends (and some enemies) in the Mushroom Kingdom. How can you have a program about nothing you ask? Well, what did you do today? Maybe you’re lounging on the sofa watching ’90 Day Fiance’ while munching on some toast? Well, there’s your program! It’s a program.
It can, however, sounds quite familiar to someand we suspect that this might be the reason why it was never put into operation. However, for a glimpse of the main cast, check out a transcript of the casting call we received below:
The fun doesn’t end there! Below is a sample of Mario’s pilot scenario, depicting four scenes featuring the core characters and the situations in which they find themselves…
Lakitu International Cafe – Day
Mario and Luigi are sitting in a booth, drinking coffee and discussing Mario’s breakup with Peach.
The lyrics mean: Why do they make sugar blocks? What is the point of the road block? Wouldn’t it be more efficient to just store the sugar in the box and let us add exactly amount needed? You have to be precise with the shapes – one is too little, the other is too much – it’s absurd!
mario: Luigi, will you add the cube?
The lyrics mean: I’m adding it, I’m adding it. So what-a did you wake up last night?
mario: Well, I ironed my clothes, watched a bit of ‘Yoshi’s Love Island’, and ate a pretty good burrito. Oh, and Peach broke up with me.
Luigi stammered coffee.
The lyrics mean: Hold up, hold up, she what? What is this, what happened?
mario: She gave me all the habit of “it’s not you, it’s me”Can you believe it?
The lyrics mean: You invented it!
mario: I know! Even so, we’ll still be friends; in fact, she’s coming tonight to pick up an air conditioner from Toad.
The lyrics mean: Why does Toad have a backup air conditioner?
mario: I don’t know, why Toad has whatever? He is a mystery.
The lyrics mean: Real.
Luigi took a sip of his coffee and immediately spat it out.
The lyrics mean: OH, Oh my God… See? Too sweet!
International Mario’s Apartment – Day
Mario stands at the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal. The front door of the apartment burst open and Toad rushed in at full speed.
toad: Oh hey!
mario: Hey what happened?
toad: Listen, I have a great idea for your plumbing business, Mario, you will love and cherish it. So you stay there, pairing for hours on end and you think “Oh my God, This plumbing is making me thirsty!“, but you left your water bottle at home! Well, listen… A water bottle with a hexagonal neck. So when you’re fixing pipes and the like, you can keep the bottle as your primary tool for tightening bolts. and You can quench your thirst at the same time!
mario: Toad, so-bad, you think I wanted to put something in my mouth that came in contact with the toilet pipe? Plus, all the water will fall out!
toad: It will come with a microfiber cloth and a spill-proof mechanism, Mario, I figured it all out!
mario: No I do not think so.
The apartment doorbell rang. Mario answered it.
mario: YES?
Dig: It’s Dao!
mario: Go up.
toad: So what do you think, will you go for it?
mario: Of course not!
toad: Come on, it will make your life so much better!
At the open apartment door, a figure came into view. That’s Bowser. Mario and Bowser looked at each other with utter disdain.
mario: Hi, archery.
provider: Hi Mario.
mario: doing what friend would like?
provider: I came to return the air conditioner to Toad. It just came out the door.
toad: Oh well, thanks! Yes, that’s for Peach.
provider: Dig? Really? Is she coming up here?
mario: Don’t even think about it!
provider: Oh come on Mario, you have to help me out, what does she like? Where does she like to eat? You have to give me anything else!
mario: Peach won’t date you if you’re the last Koopa in the Mushroom Kingdom, I promise you!
provider: Curse you, Mario.
Peach came to the door and entered the apartment.
Dig: Hi moms!
She noticed Bowser and her smile grew faster than a bowling ball.
provider: Why, hello th—
Dig: Not if you’re the last Koopa in the Mushroom Kingdom, buddy.
provider: damned! Well, here I go. Thanks for the “help”, Mario… I hope your mail is not received pass away in the coming days…Goodbye… mario… Ehehehehehe!
Bowser left in merciless glee.
mario: [under his breath] Archers!
Pauline’s Pullover International – Day
Mario is helping Luigi find the perfect birthday present for Peach. They went to Pauline’s Pullovers, a clothing store in the commercial district of the Mushroom Kingdom.
The lyrics mean: Listen, do I really need to give Peach such a luxurious gift?
mario: She gave you a job interview, which is the least you can do!
The lyrics mean: I know, but I just don’t know what to get. What do you get for a princess?
mario: Well what about this?
Mario chooses a gorgeous pink cashmere sweater.
The lyrics mean: What is this – cashmere?
mario: I think so.
The lyrics mean: Well, who doesn’t love cashmere? Come on, it’s too expensive.
mario: Wait, wait, wait. Hey, that’s 50 cents off 500!
The lyrics mean: What? How?
mario: Oh… here’s yours… There’s a red dot here. See it? And it says “no exchange” on the label.
Mario hands the sweater to Luigi.
The lyrics mean: You think she’s interested in a red dot?
mario: Hard to say!
The lyrics mean: I didn’t even think she would notice it – can you see it?
mario: I can see, I know where it is.
The lyrics mean: Pretend you don’t know… Did you see?
mario: I can’t pretend, I was able to see it – I couldn’t ignore what I saw!
The lyrics mean: Look, just have an overview!
mario: Want an overview? I see a cheap man trying to take something away, that’s my overview!
International Mario’s Apartment – Day
It’s Peach’s birthday. She entered Mario’s apartment. Mario and Luigi have been hanging out together and Luigi is anxiously waiting to give Peach a birthday present, fearing that she might spot the red mark.
Dig: Hi!
mario: Happy Birthday!
Luigi’s nerves increased.
The lyrics mean: H-happy birthday Peach – ehehe. I, uhh, I have something for you.
He handed Peach a cashmere sweater over it.
Dig: Ohhh Luigi, you don’t have to!
She tore off the wrapper in an elegant swing of her hand. Her mouth curled into a big smile.
Dig: Ohhhh my god is this cashmere wool..?!
Luigi’s confidence returned immediately. He grinned.
Luigi: Oh of course-a cashmere!
Dig: Oh that’s great! This is one of the coolest things you’ll ever do – it costs a lot of money! Mario, how can you let him spend so much?
mario: Oh, I tried to stop him, believe me!
Peach put on a cashmere sweater. Meanwhile, Toad slides into the apartment.
toad: Yoooo! Hey Peach, happy birthday! Whoooaaa, the sweater is so pretty, is this new?
Dig: Oh yes, Luigi got it for me – nice, isn’t it?
toad: Yeah yeah, except for that red spot.
Peach turned to Toad, confused. Mario and Luigi looked at each other in horror.
Dig: What?!
She noticed the stain on the cashmere and her face fell.
Dig: What is this?! Luigi..??
Peach looked up, her face red with anger. Luigi had sneaked out of the apartment.
It has ‘hit’ written on it, doesn’t it? Can’t figure out how this one didn’t pass the testing season. Maybe Netflix will bring it back as an alternative approach or counterbalance to the Super Mario Bros. Movie. Upcoming; Loki to the movie Mario Avengers! Sure.
If you have any other thoughts on how Mario et al. can be represented in movies or TV, then let us know in the comments.
