In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’ll find all the weird stupid stuff we can’t match anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we like “an entire page for making terrible jokes that are factually related to the content of the story”.
We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Next page. Today we dive into the story of the nimble, elusive man dubbed ‘Uncle at Nintendo’…
An uncle. Maybe yours, maybe your friends. Possibly the uncle of someone named MIYAM0T0S_HAIR on the internet.
You know one of these. No, not the one that everyone saw enthusiastically danced to Steps at a birthday party in that viral video. The other, who had somehow never been mentioned up until the point where their very existence was necessary to outshine a bunch of one’s peers in a game-related argument, usually in a playground. He. People who work for Nintendo. what is his name again?
Nintendo Uncle – The Man
This mysterious and suddenly remembered (but certainly real) relative doesn’t do any of the boring jobs you’re used to seeing advertised at a publisher/developer consortium. big development, like marketing, accounts or normal programming while sitting at the computer like your friend’s usual boring job, John; Oh no, this magic spell works in a special secret that no one has ever heard of.
Apparently, the Nintendo-Uncle owner you’re talking to can’t go into details about this particular project’s bunker because, you know, it’s secret, the uncle’s days seem to have been spent observing all things Nintendo paranormal and then, for some reason, regularly breaking legally binding Non-Disclosure Agreements and ending up career just so their niece or nephew has some cool gossip to share online. The new Zelda will be only for the cloud version! Mario will be in Pokémon Graphite! Nintendo will stop making game consoles!
Nintendo Uncle – The Myth
Historians speculate the legend of Uncle Nintendo was so strong that it may have predated the Japanese card maker hanafuda; a story capable of transcending time, space, and basic common sense thanks to the sheer number of people who invoked this plankton.
But why? Why do people do that? And why do we let them?
You can have any number of uncles, they can be of any reasonable age, they can live pretty much anywhere at any time – and no one can prove otherwise
Part of this sublime story is down to how perfect the script is if you’re the kind of person who’s desperate to get your social group to pay attention to your every word for a short while. You can have any number of uncles, they can be of any reasonable age, they can live pretty much anywhere at any time – and no one can prove otherwise.
There’s some built-in security in the fact that it’s not uncommon for your friends not to see any of your uncles (especially someone very busy working at Nintendo at this point), and unless someone tries to pull a rare Reverse-Double-Uncle maneuver – claiming your uncle may not be able to work at Nintendo because everyone knows it’s theirs – your assertion is pretty safe from damage. the usual surveillance of society. No matter how many times it is said, the Nintendo Uncle setup is always sensible enough that unfamiliar listeners can allow the cameraman to continue.
And that’s where the rest of us come in. The Nintendo Uncle is alive and well in the modern era because we love hearing these ridiculous untruths as some people like to tell them.
Half Life 3 is a Switch exclusive, right? Please, tell me more. You heard a new one Nintendo Labo the kit will be out next year and will include a F-Zero controller, but you can’t say why? Oh, you tease! Your Uncle Nintendo lent you a prototype N64 stroller containing Mother 3 in English? Of course he did – Spill those beans! Konami will be celebrating their 35th anniversary of growing popularity Castlevania not with a new collection of games or a super expensive collection but a bunch of NFTs? YES, The current you are pushing it. As if they would…
Oh.
Nintendo Uncle – Stats
Our own estimates suggest that there are at least 160,300 uncles directly employed by Nintendo at any given time, all of whom work on top-secret Switch 3D Pro Advance hardware projects and provide raw materials. sample games that their nieces and nephews are not allowed to show anyone, like Sword Pokemon Turbo Stadium and Kirby Super Star: Uncensored Version – Where DeDeDe Dies With Blood and Guts and Everything.
However, this estimate shows some problems, such as last year’s annual report shows that Nintendo employs 6,574 employees globally and 3,411 employees who identify as male. For the sake of argument, let us be extremely generous and assume that each of them is a real Uncle Nintendo, whether they’re fresh-faced interns, gray-haired directors or creative fellows.
According to the most recent data at the time of writing, Switch has now sold nearly 93 million units. Also assume that each hypothetical Real Nintendo Uncle has a pair of neat ‘niblings’, both of whom have purchased one of those 93 million Switches. If we do the math right, in the best possible case, about 0.007% of Switch owners actually have an uncle working for Nintendo, somewhere.
Means there is a very slim chance MIYAM0T0S_HAIR maybe tell the truth when they say they have a special Switch with a 3DS cart slot and that Halo Infinite will definitely come to Switch next year.
Nintendo Uncle – The Truth
Yet despite all the odds and all of the silliest rumors that people are said to have heard directly from the mouths of their Nintendo bosses, sometimes, just sometimes, stories This far-fetched come true. Sonic Nintendo games? Right! Oh wait, it really happened. It actually happened quite a lot. And it keeps happening.
Only about each round of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate ever played is the whole story of Uncle Nintendo chat server turned into reality
Just about every round Super Smash Bros. ever played is the story of Uncle Nintendo’s entire chat server made true. Bayonetta Cooperation with Solid metal gearsSnakes to knock down Fire EmblemMarth’s and Sephiroth’s Final Fantasy VII famous on top of the Silph Co. Pokémon? That’s what you can do right now.
For a while, Nintendo actually used satellites to project Zelda, F-Zero, and Kirby (mini) game into the house. Probably not Uncle Nintendo’s house. Maybe not even many Japanese households can be able to apply Satellaview Service, but for a while, that fact was unlikely to be entirely true.
And of course we’ve all heard that a crazy fabricated Nintendo’s abandonment of the home market and the separate portable market entirely to create a strangely mixed console with detachable controllers that meant everything at once . That will never catch up, surely?
What are the Nintendo rumors based on your favorite uncle? What thoughts have you shared from your dear old uncle on the playground? Let us know below.
